Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
