genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
