Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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