I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
