Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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