I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Randomize
