There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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