just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
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it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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