I faked an abortion last night.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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