I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
