it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
