Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Why are you drunk at the library?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...