I'm lost and stupid without you.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.