why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.