I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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