they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
