I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
