the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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