Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Randomize
