Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
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