when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
