all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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