I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
They are going to name an STD after you.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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