i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Who died my cat blue again?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
