you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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