If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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