Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
this beer tastes like vomit already
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
