Clothes are such an inconvenience.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I supernannyed him into submission
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
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