She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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