I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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