I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
