Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
