just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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