My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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