Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
