My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
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you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
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Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
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