There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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