His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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