i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
