ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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