You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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