Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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