how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
