I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
