I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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