I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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