Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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