Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Randomize
