Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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