The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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