im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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