I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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