At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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