I accidentally had phone sex last night
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm jealous of your bromance
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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