How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
