he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
